ANGRY MARINES
by FutureCam
Summary: Warning: Contains heavy coarse language. Behold, the greatest exploits of the greatest legion Because being a chapter is for p*****s . Read, because if you don't...THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. Updated weekly.
1. FUCKING SMURFS

_A/N: …I really need to stop writing fanfic at 1:30AM. I don't even know where this came from. I put this in under T, but it is about the Angry Marines, so…there's a metric boatload of swearing. To make up for it, go look at a kitty now._

_FUTURECAM IS WAITING_  
>You done? Good. Enjoy your 200-ish words of rage a week.<em>

****  
>ANGRY MARINES<strong>

_ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE, FUCKNUGGET._

The chaos lord laughed as the world burned around him.

"YES! LET THE GALAXY BURN!" He cackled. A power armored hand tapped his shoulder, causing him to turn around.

"Who the frak are you supposed to be?"  
>A blue fist smashed the lord's skull in. The Ultramarine captain stood victorious atop of him.<p>

"ANOTHER GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR THE ULTRAMARINES!" He roared, the few dozen Ultramarines cheering too. Across the battlefield, the millions of Imperial Guard soldiers stood there in disbelief.

"Frakers." One of them muttered.  
>"Yeah…wait, weren't there more Space Marines? In, like, yellow?" A random female soldier asked in confusion. Their commissar frowned.<p>

"No, I don't remember anything about Imperial Fists here-"  
>"WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SHIT?" A roar came out. The commissar turned around, and came face-to-chest with several hundred pounds of yellow ceramite-clad fury. "ARE THOSE FUCKING SMURFS TAKING ALL THE FUCKING CREDIT AGAIN?"<br>"Yes." The female soldier said. "Yes they are."  
>There was a brief pause as the three Space Marines looked at each other, their visors somehow twitching. Nodding, they agreed on the same course of action.<p>

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

The ultramarine captain turned around from his self-congratulating comrades, when a yellow fist sent him flying into orbit.

"-UUUUCK YOU!" The Angry Marine sergeant roared. "FUCK YOU IN YOUR SHITHOLE, FAGGOTY SMURFS!"  
>The remaining ultramarines were smashed apart by the Angry Marines, their own comrades used as additional close combat weapons. Wincing, the female soldier turned to the commissar.<p>

"Commissar, who are they?"  
>"They…are the Angry Marines." The commissar said in awe. "And they shall know no calm."<br>"GOT THAT MUCH RIGHT, FUCKERS!"


	2. FUCKING MACHINE SPIRITS

_A/N: Behold, the beginnings of a cast of characters._

**ANGRY MARINES**

_ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE, FUCKNUGGET._

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Angry Marine Techmarine Bitch-Sodomiser-of-Death screamed. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FLYING JESUS FUCK?"  
>Regular enginseers surrounding the brand-new Land Raider MAXIMUM SHITFUCKING glanced at each other in trepidation.<p>

"What is the problem, my lord?"  
>"THE PROBLEM? THE FUCKING MACHINE SPIRIT JUST DOESN'T GIVE A FUCKING FUCK!" BSOD screamed. "THE FUCKING PIECE OF CUNT SHIT JUST BROKE DOWN."<br>"Ah, the Most Unholy Black Machine Spirit of Death." Enginseer Newell said calmly. "I thought I told you to remove that feature, Enginseer Gates."

"I thought it would sell more units." The second Enginseer muttered, halfway through making sure another Land Raider was constructed. BSOD grabbed him by the throat and threw him out the window.  
>"YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU GET PAID BY THE FUCKING HOUR!"<br>He wheeled on Newell.

"GET THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT FIXED UP RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OR I'LL MAKE YOUR CUNT-DICK EXPLODE!"  
>Newell bowed, and began the lengthy process of rebooting the system.<p>

"WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!" BSOD continued to rant. Eventually, Captain Muchdickery of the Scout Company arrived to see what the legion's only Techmarine was ranting about.

"What the fuck are you saying?" Muchdickery asked.

"THAT THE FUCKING CUNTBOYS-"  
>"That's COGBOYS-" Newell interrupted.<br>"-DON'T KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT PROGRAMING A SHITTING MACHINE SPIRIT!"  
>Muchdickery snickered. "Maybe you just fucking suck, <em>Brony<em>."

There was a deathly silence, as the Scout Captain smirked at BSOD. Newell shut his optical units, letting out a meaningless scramble of binary that equated to a mix between a sigh and 'shit'.  
>"WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE!" BSOD roared, pulling out his bolt pistol. "THAT'S GOING TOO FUCKING FAR, EVEN FOR US!"<br>There was a brief flurry, and the bolt pistol la disassembled on the floor. Muchdickery flipped the bird, and left the twitching Techmarine to his seizure.

"THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!" 


	3. FUCKING DICKS

**ANGRY MARINES**

_ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE, FUCKNUGGET._

It was a peaceful day on an Eldar maiden world with no name, when from the direction of the crusade camp, a wave of pure RAGE annihilated any lifeform smaller than a human being within a 500 meter radius.

"FUCKING DICK!" 2nd Company Captain Getoffmylawn screamed. "THAT FUCKING DICK!"  
>Scout Captain Muchdickery stuck his head around the corner, grinning. "You called?"<br>"NOT YOU, THE OTHER FUCKING DICK!" Getoffmylawn roared. "FUCKING ELDAR CUNT DICK!"  
>"Oh…Eldrad…" Muchdickery realized. "What'd he do this time?"<br>"FUCKING PIECE OF CUNT SHIT STOLE MY FUCKING ANGRY BAZOOKA!"  
>"Angry…Bazooka?"<br>"YES! PUT ANGRY MARINE IN TOP, ARM TO MAXIMUM FUCK, AND _SHOOT THE FUCKING ANGRY MARINE AT THE ENEMY._" Getoffmylawn screamed _(A/N: There's only so many ways to describe how an Angry Marine talks…_). "BUT NO! THESE FUCKING ELDAR TODAY WITH THEIR FARSEERS AND THEIR WRAITHBONE AND THEIR FUCKING WITCHCRAFT JUST HAD TO FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING!"

"…what did he do?"  
>"HE FUCKING STOLE THE ANGRY BAZOOKA!"<br>"It's in your hand."  
>Getoffmylawn stared at the Angry Bazooka in his hand.<p>

"WELL…HE KILLED SERGEANT RAGEQUIT AND HID THE BODY!"  
>"I'M IN THE FUCKING BAZOOKA!" Ragequit screamed. "FIRE ME AT SOMETHING ALREADY!"<br>Getoffmylawn fired Ragequit at a passing hawk, which didn't quite know what hit it as Ragequit ripped its guts out to beat another one to death with them.

"WELL…I feel quite stupid now." Getoffmylawn muttered, in a rare state of a non-screaming Angry Marine.

Well, uncommon if you weren't in the Scout Company and therefore the cause of most RAGE.

"So now you know Eldrad isn't here and behind all of this." Muchdickery said quietly. "So go and lie down."  
>"Yeah…yeah I'll do that." The ancient Angry Marine captain muttered, wandering off. Muchdickery smirked and stuck out a fist, only for a note to fall into it instead of the expected wad of credits.<p>

_Nice try, but no-one out-dicks me, especially with money and reputation on the line._

_Yours sincerely, Eldrad Ulthran_

Muchdickery looked up in confusion, just as Getoffmylawn screamed out loud.

"OH MY EMPRAH, THE METAL BOXSES! THEY ARE DESTROYED! WHO THE FUCK MESSED WITH OUR RHINOS! WITH…IS THIS PISS? WHO THE FUCK DESTROYS RHINOS WITH PISS?"

Muchdickery crushed the note with his fist, growling.

"One day, you fucking dick…one day."


	4. FUCKING GO FISH

**ANGRY MARINES**

_ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE, FUCKNUGGET._

Sergeant Ragequit was having a bad day.

First, that fucking dick Eldrad destroyed the rhino that was meant to be getting him into those fucking greenskin's pasty-ass faces, with squig piss no less.

No, a single commissar was beating him in a game requiring great skill, patience and focus, as well as a fantastic poker face-

"FUCKFACE! GOT ANY TWO'S?"  
>"Go fish." Commissar Egar said calmly, his thick accent impenetrable. Growling, Ragequit did so.<p>

"Got any two's?" Egar asked with a grin.  
>"FUCK YOU!" He passed over the twos. Smirking, Egar glanced over his hand.<p>

"So…got any…fives?"  
>"NO, CUNT! GO FUCKING FISH!"<br>Egar's jaw dropped. "…but…I was certain…CUNT FUCK DICK PISS!" He screamed, grabbing Ragequit by the neck.

"FUCK ELDAR DICKS!" Ragequit replied, grabbing the commissar and failing to throttle him. Commander Temperus Maximus wandered over and tapped Egar's throat.

"WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU DEAD YET?"  
>"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!" Egar replied, trying to snap ceramite with his hands. Maximus nodded thoughtfully.<p>

"YOU'RE A REAL FUCKING ANGRY MARINE, YOU FUCKER!" He roared. "HEY DICKWADS! WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A REAL FUCKLAW MARK TWO HERE!"

Egar growled at the crowd of excited Angry Marines.

"HOW THE FUCK DID WE FIND OUT?"

"FUCKER LOST AT GO FUCKING FISH TO RAGEQUIT!"  
>"HAH, WHAT A FAGGOT! RAGEQUIT'S THE WORST GAME TO EVER GRACE THE SHITHOLE OF THE HUMAN RACE!"<p>

Egar howled and threw himself at the last Angry Marine to speak, beating him with the butt end of his own bolter. Cheering, the Angry Marines watched the brawl of Rage.

"LOSING! NOT FUCKING LOST!"  
>Meanwhile, Ragequit looked at the rules ominously.<p>

"WAIT ONE FUCKING SECOND – HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU ASK FOR TWO'S IF YOU DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE ANY! CHEATING MOTHERFUCKER!"  
>Ragequit joined the brawl, which now consisted of two Angry Marines, one Scout, Commissar Egar and a bewildered Gretchen that randomly teleported into the middle of it. The last thing the Gretchen thought before his head exploded from being used as a blunt implement was:<br>_All dem pointy-ears really are 'fucking dicks'._


	5. FUCKING SHOKK ATTACK GUN

_A/N: While I work on the second chapter of Aeronautica, the serious fanfic, I return to Angry Marines – the fanfic with no form of seriousness whatsoever – for I find that writing them is quite efficient anger management for when your characters appear to have no EFFing clue what they should be doing next._

_Return to enjoying your next 200-word-ish rant._

**ANGRY MARINES**

_ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE, FUCKNUGGET._

"Fething piece of SHIT-" Enginseer Newell managed to catch himself before he degenerated into Angry Marines talk. "I mean…Falsely-Blessed Machinery!"

Enginseer Gates looked up from the Munitorum files. "What's up, Gabe?"

"This Ork machinery." He grumbled. "I look at it, yet fail to figure out how it should work. It's…I mean, what the FRAK."  
>He pointed at the Shokk Attack Gun he was working on.<br>"And now, the fething Angry Marines want to know how this works, because THEY WANT ONE."  
>"Ouch." Gates muttered. "Well, good luck with that."<br>Newell sighed and returned to work, eventually producing a small gap in reality.

"…okay…so, it does that by-SWEET MESSIAH DEMON!"  
>The bloodletter growled at him. Gates looked down at his seat.<p>

"Well. It appears I have an oil leak." He said calmly. The Bloodletter lashed out at Newell, only to be intercepted by Getoffmylawn's fist.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY NEW FUCKING TOY!" He roared, ripping its head off and beating the second to death with it. Gulping, Newell backed off. Getoffmylawn turned to him.

"GET BACK TO FUCKING WORK!" He screamed, and Newell complied hastily. A few hours later, he was joined by Techmarine BSOD.

"FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!"  
>"Agreed." Newell said wearily. "Do you have any idea how it's going to-"<br>The Warp Drive malfunctioned, and the two stood in the middle of the ork lines in nothing but thongs and a pair of bananas in their ears. Newell turned to the Techmarine.

"Where did this banana come from?" He asked, even as BSOD gave it a tentative chew while the Orks stared in disbelief, confusion and disgust.

"IT'S FUCKING OVERRIPE!" He screamed, throwing it at a nearby Nob. "AND WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS THONG COME FROM!"  
>"I…really don't know." Newell muttered. "Shouldn't we be getting back to-"<br>The Shokk Attack gun replicated what just happened, and Temperus Maximus, Getoffmylawn, Ragequit and Muchdickery stood with them, also in thongs.

"This is stupid." Muchdickery muttered.

"FUCK YEAH." Ragequit agreed.

"LET'S FUCKING KILL THE RETARDS WHO CREATED THAT PIECE OF SHIT!" Getoffmylawn suggested.  
>"FUCK YEAH!" Temperus Maximus said happily. They turned to the Ork lines, and Temperus Maximus took a deep breath.<p>

"ALWAYS ANGRY!"  
>"ALL THE TIME!"<br>**Meanwhile, at the Imperial Guard lines…**

"ALWAYS ANGRY!" Temperus Maximus' voice drifted over.

"What the frak-" Private Immortal Redshirt asked in confusion, just as Commisar Egar leapt to his feet alongside the other Angry Marines.

"ALL THE TIME!" They roared, charging at the Orks. Redshirt blinked.

"Well, at least I'm not dying again this time!" He said happily.

A passing thrown Mega-Armored Nob landed on the tent and crushed him to death.

"…medic…again…"


	6. FUCKING CONTEST, PART ONE

**ANGRY MARINES**

_ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE, FUCKNUGGET._

Now on a Bi-Weekly schedule due to laziness!

"Alright, Private, you should be up again in a day or two!" The medic said cheerfully. Private Redshirt gave a friendly nod as he wandered off on crutches. The medic turned to the next person in line.

"Next!"  
>"SHUT THE FUCK UP" Commissar Egar said as he waddled over, his leg broken in five places. "FUCKING BSOD LANDED ON MY LEG. HURTS LIKE SHIT."<br>Medic 1st class Totally-Not-Dorden's-Clone Nedrod rolled his eyes unto heaven. "Every time I get stationed with the Angry Marines, my workload remains the same, just compressed into a week. Do you think, commissar, that you of all people could set something vaguely resembling a _positive example _to the men you provide moral support to-"  
>KA-SNICK.<p>

Nedrod stared down the barrel of the bolt pistol. "Then again, some tough love is a positive aspect in any commissar/guard relationship. Take these three morphine pills a day and you'll recover just fine."  
>Egar wandered out, clutching the morphine, his leg dragging behind him. Sighing, Nedrod turned to the next in line.<p>

**  
>Muchdickery snickered as Egar passed him the morphine pills, his leg now strangely fixed.<p>

"Much appreciated, Commissar."  
>"I'LL PROBABLY FUCKING REGRET ASKING THIS, SCOUT-CAPTAIN" Egar 'said', "BUT WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS MUCH MORPHINE?"<br>"Oh, just out-dick Eldrad once and for all!" He gave out a manic laugh. "And when I do, THOSE FUCKING IDIOTS UP TOP WILL HAVE TO GIVE ME MY FUCKING SUIT OF POWER ARMOR AND A PROPER SHITTING RANK! THINK I'M NOT ANGRY ENOUGH! I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU! I'LL FUCKING SHOW ALL OF YOU!"  
>Egar joined in on the evil-laughter fest.<p>

Eldrad looked up from his newspaper, the Daily Farseer (Number One most consumed newspaper on Ulthuan). "I feel like someone just issued a challenge. Well…we'll see who has the last laugh! Maniacal laugh! MANAICAL LAUGH!"

"Dad, could you laugh properly?" Taldeer asked from the next room.

"IF YOU WANT TO LEAD THAT TASK FORCE TO KRONUS, YOUNG LADY, YOU SHALL RESPECT MY SUPPLEMENT FOR ACTUAL LAUGHTER!"

"GETOFFMYLAWN, WHY AREN'T WE IN THIS SHITTY CHAPTER?"  
>"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, RAGEQUIT! MAYBE THE AUTHOR'S SOME KIND OF ELDARFAGGOT!"<p>

"WILL YOU SHITHEADS KEEP IT DOWN! I'M WATCHING THE FUCKING DICKMATCH!"  
>"FUCK YES, TEMPERUS MAXIMUS!"<p> 


	7. WE'RE BACK, FUCKING BITCHES

_A/N: Hey. Some pretty serious personal shit went down for a few months, and I'm not going to spread details on 'teh interwebs' for pity or anything. It just took a while to update because of it. Here's another RAGE and a new Interlude for the hell of it._

**ANGRY MARINES**

_WE'RE BACK, FUCKNUGGETS._

**  
>"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Screamed one Ork.<br>"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Screamed his nob, hitting him over the head with a choppa.  
>"!" Screamed their warboss, slamming their heads together with his power claws.<br>" !" Howled Ragequit as he was fired out of Getoffmylawn's Angry Marine Launcher. The warboss was slammed backwards by the impact, his face caved in by Ragequit's power fist. Ragequit rose to his feet, growling.

"NEXT FUCKER IN LINE? COME ON, WHO IS IT? I'VE BEEN SAVING THIS RAGE FOR MORE THAN THREE EMPEROR-DAMN MONTHS FOR YOU LITTLE SHITS!" He fired his bolt pistol into the sky. "ALWAYS ANGRY!"  
>The nobs blinked. Ragequit waited patiently for a few seconds, until Getoffmylawn's modified Shokk Attack Gunn succeeded in firing the land raider crusader stuffed chock-full with Temperus Maximus and his Angry Terminators at the Ork Army.<p>

"ALL THE TIME!" They howled, smashing down the door. Muchdickery rose up from behind one Ork warlord's back and snapped his neck, falling back into the shadows smirking. BSOD ripped an assault cannon off of the land raider, and began using it as a club. Getoffmylawn fired himself through his Shokk Attack Gun, waving his chainsaw in glee, leaving a confused Enginseer Newell and Gates behind as it opened up yet another portal and yet another bloodthirster stepped out.

"Not again." Gates muttered, oil leaking from his torso unit.

Behind the flashy and explosive entrances of the Angry Marines, the 101st Malgorian Ablative Shields steadily moved forwards. Nedrod closed his eyes and started counting back from ten.

_Four…three…two…one…aaaaaaaand-_

"FUCK THIS!" Commissar Egar roared. "I'M JUST GOING FOR THE MOTHER FUCKERS!"  
>"That lasted even less time than I expected." Nedrod sighed. Private Immortal Redshirt nodded.<p>

"Yeah, I figured it'd last until at least Close combat-"

One of the orks showed that some of them could, in fact, hit one of the several million guardsmen in a straight line in front of them. Redshirt dropped to the ground, a red stain covering his chest.

"Not again" He gurgled, even as Nedrod dropped to his knees and started to put him back together again.

**  
>INTERLUDE<p>

_The Emperor's Long Nap_

The Lord Custodian of the Emperor's Guard, Custodius Maximus, rose from his prayers in front of the God-Emperor's rotting corpse and turned to walk away from the golden throne.

"**WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. YOU EVER WONDER HOW WE GET HERE?"**

Custodius Maximus turned around for a second, his draw dropping. Techpriests and psychers turned to face the now animated and talking Emperor of Mankind, although he was still rotting.

"**I MEAN REALLY, MY EXISTANCE HAS JUST BEEN ONE LONG STRING OF WHAT-THE-FUCK MOMENTS."**

Messages were sent out immediately – the Emperor was talking! He was alive!

"**NOW LOOK AT ME! A ROTTING CORPSE ON A CHAIR BECAUSE MY SON HELD A GRUDGE OVER ME CREATING A NEW FUTURE FOR HUMANITY OVER THROWING A BASEBALL FOR HIM. THAT SON OF A BITCH. NOW, WHAT DID I MISS? I HAD ONE REALLY LONG NAP TO GET OVER THAT HANGOVER."**

The Emperor of Mankind retreated into the warp and checked history for a few seconds.

"**YOU PEOPLE DID WHAT? WITH THE BATTLEFLEET, AND THE – AND THE BURNINGS AND THE – WHAT THE FUCK IS THE INQUISITION? ANGRY MARINES? WHY ARE THEY – WHAT DID THAT GUY JUST DO TO THAT ORK WITH ITS OWN COLON, DEAR **_**SCIENCE**_**!"**

Custodius Maximus blinked.

"**ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT. I TRIED. IF YOU IDIOTS COULDN'T LISTEN TO THE DAMN 'IMPERIAL TRUTH' AND ARM YOURSELF AGAINST THE FALSE GODS OF CHAOS, YOU DESERVE TO BE WIPED OUT. ENJOY THE MASSIVE ARMY OF NECRONS COMBINED WITH A WARP STORM I'VE BEEN HOLDING BACK FOR YEARS.**"

Custodius Maximus frowned.

"Wait, what-"

The Emperor ceased to exist on his chair, and a horde of daemons spilled forth from the warp just as a Monolith teleported on top of the golden throne.

"Oh, son of a-"

Terra ceased to exist from the one-sided curbstomp that ensued.


	8. ARMED BASTARDS

**ANGRY MARINES**

_WE'RE BACK, FUCKNUGGETS._

Arbites Sergeant Gene Hunt nodded at the imposing yellow figure in front of him.

"They're all yours, pal."

Angry Marines Sergeant Ragequit grinned and turned to his squad. "ALRIGHT FUCKERS! YOU KNOW THE DRILL!"

He was met with a roar in response. They turned towards the building the gangsters were meant to be in as one, and moved into position. Ragequit kicked the door down.

"NOBODY FUCKING MOVE, YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY ARMED BASTARDS!" He screamed, racking the slide on his bolter. The gang leader, 'Snowdog', turned around and raised a shotgun on reflex. Ragequit's bolter round caused his head to explode. Within minutes, all the gangsters were dead. Ragequit kicked Snowdog's body half-heartedly.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING IN AN ULTRAMARINE NOVEL, FUCKER!" He spat, turning to walk out the door and nodding to the Arbites as he left. "MISSION DESTROY ONE-DIMENSIONAL PROTAGONIST IS FUCKING CLEARED."

Gene Hunt nodded as they walked away to rejoin the Angry Marine battlelines. Tarsis Ultra had been attacked by a bunch of Tyranids, and after the Ultramarines left the Angry Marines were brought in to clean up the mess the Ultrasmurfs left behind.

"Armed Bastards, huh? Guess that sums it up…I've gotta use that line sometime." He grinned.


End file.
